Despite the fact that I did not read any of the eight chapters or my crummy class notes (that I’ve written while being half-asleep) for my last my sociological analysis test - I passed it. I‘m so amazed, especially when I bombed my last test despite studying my brains off.

This year has been so stressful and although I still am plagued with self-doubt, it’s been inspiring to know that I’m able to handle a 19-credit school schedule, run a club, work a part time job, student-teaching, and a maintain my work-study. 

A year ago, I would have never been able to do these things… and it’s because of him, I am stronger.

Thank you for being by my side this whole time.

I’ve been a slave to everyone’s wishes, but mine.

I’m sick of it.

Why must you be so cruel?

I’ve already become a ghost to my family.

My own father didn’t even realize I was in my tiny bedroom as he was perusing around and left my door ajar.

I really do hate myself. Why else would I put myself into so many hardships… Everyone is pressuring me at all angles and I’m sick of it. Why won’t the let me do my work? For fuck’s sake, I’m aware of their POVs, I just need them to give me some damn time to think about it.

• My cooperating teacher is insisting that I quit my job, because it’s hindering my future career.
• A coworker is insisting that I work full-time when I’m done with school, so I can develop more skills in that field.
• My mother insists that I graduate this year… and she keeps asking if I’m “done” yet.
• My professors are insisting that I teach overseas during the summer so I can gain worldly experience and make art again.

I appreciate their efforts, but it’s gone to the point where I suffocating from all these pressures to conform.

I keep dreaming of the day that I disappear…

I just wish all the distracting voices inside my head would just shut up already.